RANCHO SANTA FE, Ca., December 30, 2013 – New Year’s resolutions are a tradition that parallels political promises. They sound good, but there is almost no chance they will be honored.
In the spirit of the season as well as to pay deference to the buzz around Twitter’s public offering, here is a list of “proposed” resolutions for our political Illuminati; all of which conform to 140 characters or less and may be tweeted as you please. They may even be slightly educational with respect to the structure of our Government, but please don’t let that get in the way of their humor.
From the President and his Cabinet:
President Obama: I resolve to no longer blame others and intentionally misrepresent the truth for political gain. Period!
Secretary of State Kerry: I resolve to reach media-worthy agreements with other nations at any cost to our own.
Secretary of the Treasury Lew: I resolve to take action against Wall Street banks that brought down our economy…unless they fund campaigns.
Secretary of Defense Hagel: I resolve to admit that there just may be a little waste in our $650 billion Defense budget.
Attorney General Holder: I resolve to uphold the law of the land…equally.
Secretary of the Interior Jewell: I resolve not to allow the President to shut down National Cemeteries and Parks just to make a point.
Secretary of Agriculture Vilsack: I resolve to expand the Food Stamp program to cover all Americans (as directed by the Agricultural lobby).
Secretary of Commerce Pritzker: I resolve to layer more regulations on businesses in the United States to enhance our competitiveness.
Secretary of Labor Perez: I resolve to further stack the NLRB so my Party can repay its political debt to the unions that support it.
Secretary of Health and Human Services Sebelius: I resolve to take a few courses in health care, actuarial theory, and programming.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Donovan: I resolve to use our Detroit “Model City” Program to help struggling municipalities.
Secretary of Transportation Foxx: I resolve to take a bus to work and fly commercial rather than travel by limo and private plane.
Secretary of Energy Moniz: I resolve to figure out why the EPA has been elevated to a Cabinet-level position.
Secretary of Education Duncan: I resulv to xpand Kommon Cor standerds to improve edukasun in Amerika’s 57 Stayts.
Secretary of Veterans Affairs Shinseki: I resolve to no longer allow Veterans to be used as a currency for political compromise.
Secretary of Homeland Security Johnson: I resolve to read every e-mail and listen to every phone call I can to keep us safe.
From Cabinet-level Officials:
Vice President Biden: I resolve to come out of hiding and demonstrate my leadership abilities before I run for President.
White House Chief of Staff McDonough: I resolve to have the speed rating of the revolving door for this position checked by OSHA.
Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency McCarthy: I pledge to stop circumventing Congress and pretending the EPA is God.
Director of the Office of Management and Budget Burwell: I resolve to have the word “Budget” dropped from my title since it’s irrelevant.
Trade Representative Froman: I resolve to sign more trade agreements that will accelerate the outsourcing of US jobs to offshore businesses.
Ambassador to the United Nations Power: I resolve to do more Sunday morning talk shows like my predecessor as long as I have talking points.
Chair of the Council of Economic Advisors Furman: I resolve to do absolutely nothing since I’ve been told the economy is doing so well.
Administrator of the Small Business Administration Hulit: I resolve to make this position irrelevant by killing off small business.
From the House of Representatives:
Speaker Boehner: I resolve not to drink tea…particularly if it has a Kool-Aid flavor to it.
Majority Leader Cantor: I resolve to cooperate with the Administration and become the President’s new BFF.
Minority Leader Pelosi: I resolve to read bills before I vote on them…and to check the cupboard one more time before declaring it to be bare.
Majority Whip McCarthy: I resolve to distinguish myself from Joe and Eugene McCarthy…at least within California’s 23rd District.
Minority Whip Hoyer: I resolve to serve as the poster child of campaign finance reform and to close any glaring PAC loopholes.
Rep. Ryan: I resolve not to confuse people with math and to never again use Veteran’s benefits as a trading chip.
Rep. Wasserman-Shultz: I resolve not to blindly ignore the misogyny and racism within my own Party rather than just that of the other.
From the Senate:
Harry Reid: I resolve to actually allow a House bill to reach the Senate floor rather than complaining about the “do nothing” House.
Mitch McConnell: I resolve to try to become as effective and charismatic a leader for the Senate Minority as Harry is for the Majority.
Chuck Schumer: I resolve to offer my own opinion rather than my Party’s talking points…and to tweet selfies to my protégé, Anthony Weiner.
John McCain: I resolve to continue to flip-flop as necessary as I strive to maintain relevance.
Diane Feinstein: I resolve to spend more time at the shooting range this year.
Ted Cruz: I resolve to talk more and to stand on principle…especially if failure is guaranteed.
From Other Political Leaders and Celebrities:
President Bush (43): I resolve to openly and aggressively blame everything on the Democratically controlled 110th Congress.
President Clinton: I resolve to fade into the political background and concentrate on my role as a faithful and supportive husband.
President Bush (41): I resolve to endorse my good friend Bill’s wife for President in 2016 because last names are all you need in politics.
President Carter: I resolve to only offer advice and opinions on what I know best…peanut farming.
President Putin (Russia): I resolve not to take advantage of amateurs in political negotiations.
President Kim Jong-un (North Korea): I resolve to shoot hoops with Dennis Rodman…and shoot an occasional uncle or ex-girlfriend as well.
President Rouhani (Iran): I resolve to concentrate on the development of nuclear energy resources that will reduce Iran’s dependence on oil.
President al-Assad (Syria): I resolve to create an EPA-like agency to reduce the use of chemicals that may adversely impact people’s lives.
President Karzai (Afghanistan): I resolve to profusely thank the U.S. for saving my posterior and accept its withdrawal with grace.
Hillary Clinton: I resolve to honor my word that “I have no intention or any idea even of running again”…but what difference does it make?
Sarah Palin: I resolve to be the stay-at-home mom that God wants me to be.
OFA’s Truth Team: We resolve to expose any political lie…unless it pegs the Truth-O-Meter like PolitiFacts’ #1 rated lie of 2013.
Karl Rove: I resolve not to make any predictions unless Dick Morris concurs… and I have enough PAC money to buy the results.
George Soros: I resolve to outspend Wall Street’s capitalist pigs who’re ruining our chance to create the United States Socialist Republic.
The Koch Brothers: We resolve to create the best ultra-conservative form of government that money can buy.
Paula Deen: I resolve to not even call the kettle “black.”
Martin Bashir: I resolve to temper my arrogance, think before I speak, and look for another job…possibly as a diplomat.
Phil Robertson: I resolve to don my gay apparel if I ever grant another Christmas interview to Gentlemen’s Quarterly.
Alec Baldwin: I resolve to emulate Paula Deen, Phil Robertson, and Martin Bashir whenever possible because I’m Teflon, baby!
Celebrities (in general): We resolve to donate our millions to political and charitable causes before we try to extract money from others.
Political pundits with ghost-written books: We resolve not to pretend we’re authors even though we’re used to pretending we’re experts.
The People and their elected officials: We resolve to recognize the Constitution and its Amendments as more than just suggestions.
On a more serious note: I resolve to continue to challenge people to have civil discussions about important issues…without losing their sense of humor. I hope you will resolve to enjoy the New Year and to find a higher level of peace, love, happiness, and good health in your lives and an even greater respect for your fellow man.
Please feel free to comment on the satirical, tongue-in-cheek tweets that have been offered above or to suggest new, tastefully humorous ones of your own in the Comment Section that follows. Have a wonderful New Year!
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T.J. O’Hara is an internationally recognized author, speaker, and strategic consultant in the private and public sectors. In 2012, he emerged as the leading independent candidate for the Office of President of the United States and the first nominee of the Whig Party in over 150 years.
This article first appeared in T.J. O’Hara’s recurring column, A Civil Assessment, in the Communities section of The Washington Times.