Used helicopter for sale; needs work–call Pakistan

RANCHO SANTA FE, CA., May 6, 2011 – Osama bin Laden was killed in a million-dollar residence located about a mile from Pakistan’s equivalent to West Point and only 35 miles from that nation’s capital.  Of course, other than the fact that the compound was eight times larger than any surrounding building, that it was surrounded by high walls topped with barbed wire, that it lacked any type of communication utilities whatsoever, that food was delivered to the compound each week, and that its inhabitants burned their refuse each week rather than allowing their garbage to be collected … who possibly could have guessed that the infamous Osama bin Laden might have been hiding there?

Pakistan’s government has created a whole new genre of diplomacy called “implausible denial.”  Rather than defend its actions … or lack thereof, Pakistan has taken an offensive tact (and you can take the word “offensive” two ways and be right both times). 

It has castigated the United States for having gone after Osama bin Laden without its permission.  Of course, we’re too “politically correct” to have pushed back hard on the fact that the Pakistani government was either knowingly harboring the international terrorist or that its “intelligence” organization represents the most incompetent such organization on the face of the planet.  Perhaps ISI actually stands for Incredibly Stupid and Inept.  That would explain a lot.

However, Pakistan Prime Minister Yusuf Raza Gilani dismissed that thought by stating, “Allegations of complicity or incompetence are absurd.”  Then again, Pakistan might just have lower standards.  They probably just need a little more foreign aid to improve their level of performance.

Next, Pakistani officials took custody of three of Osama bin Laden’s wives who had been staying in the compound.  Then, the Pakistani government prevented our intelligence officers from having access to the wives for the purpose of interrogating them.

Essentially, that precluded us from reading the women their Miranda rights and offering them “a $6 million book deal” to get them to talk (at least, that was the type of “coercion” well-known international intelligence expert, Joy Behar, recently recommended on The View).  Then, if they didn’t talk, The Real Housewives of Abbottabad would have been forced to do cameo appearances on Sister Wives until they broke.  Who says we can’t get tough when we need to?  We know how to keep America safe!

Continuing in the spirit of cooperation, a Pakistani TV channel and newspaper published the name of someone they purported to be our undercover CIA Station Chief in Islamabad.  We denied that the individual was our Station Chief so … no harm, no foul!

Numerous Pakistani officials waved their collective fingers at the United States and threatened to bring the full force of their nation’s military against us if we ever ventured into their country again without permission.  Rest assured … that must have soiled the uniforms of our Joint Chiefs of Staff.  After all, some people lose control when they can’t stop laughing hysterically.

And finally, in a complete display of respect and support, the Pakistani government appears to be ready to auction off our Top Secret stealth helicopter; the highly-modified H-60 that was left behind in the raid and only partially destroyed.  It appears that China will be the high bidder.

We really shouldn’t be concerned.  We already owe China a lot of money.  It might have demanded the specs of the helicopter as collateral for any future loans we’ll ask it to make after we raise our debt ceiling.  Besides, China doesn’t pose a military threat to us.  It’s our ally … just like Pakistan!

Maybe we should raise the amount of foreign aid we provide to Pakistan.  That might improve our two countries’ “delicate” relationship (as it’s been described).  It’s been a year and a half since we tripled it under the Obama Administration and the leadership of Senate Foreign Relations Committee Chairman, John Kerry.  Let’s just triple it again.

We’ve written checks to Pakistan in excess of $20 billion over the last decade, but look at what we’ve gotten in return.  They’ve only voted against our position in the United Nations 75% of the time over the years.  Just think of how bad it would have been if we hadn’t tried to bribe them!

Seriously though, I think we should respect Pakistan’s sovereignty and withdraw our troops and economic support from its country.  We should do the same with respect to all of those countries that revile our presence and assistance.  Let’s give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that they can find their own solutions.

After all, terrorists have said for years that it is our occupation of Islamic territories that offends them, and if we would withdraw, they would stop killing us.  Let’s take them at their word and follow the teachings in my book, The National Platform of Common Sense, (extended to Pakistan): 

“This Platform calls for a phased withdrawal from Afghanistan and Iraq … on an undisclosed timetable.  I think we have helped those countries to the degree that we can.  And within the context of ‘you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink’ … it’s time to see if the horse is thirsty.  This position will improve our relationships with a few foreign countries (for those who care); it will bring our troops home and take them out of harm’s way; and it will allow us to redirect our time and energy to solving our country’s prob­lems.  The billions of dollars that can be redirected toward appropriate Federal programs and to retiring national debt will come at a time when we have a great need to conserve cash.

“Of course, there are those who will say that withdrawal from these foreign lands will bring the War Against Terror to our own shores.  This Platform is quite sensitive to that.  As a re­sult, it also calls for a policy to be put in place and communi­cated clearly to the rest of the world:  “Don’t Tread On Us!”  More specifically:

“To Whom It May Concern: Any act of aggression against the United States or its citizens will be dealt with swiftly and severely. We will not ask for any other country’s permission … or wait for a consensus of support. We will respond dispro­portionately to any act of terrorism and use every resource available to us to completely eliminate the root cause … as we would with any other plague that might threaten the ‘Life, Lib­erty and pursuit of Happiness’ of which our citizens are guaran­teed.”

Problem solved!  So says The Common Sense Czar.


T.J. O’Hara is an internationally recognized author, speaker, and strategic consultant in the private and public sectors. In 2012, he emerged as the leading independent candidate for the Office of President of the United States and the first nominee of the Whig Party in over 150 years.

This article first appeared in T.J. O’Hara’s recurring column, The Common Sense Czar, in the Communities Section of The Washington Times.